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September 2001 - Posts

Everyone's life is just like a movie...
小湯生活曆.日期: 2001/09/30...

It's the second time of the vacation in the military...
Thanks to the Chinese Moon Festeval, got one more days of it...
Counting until today, it's been the 26th days of this kind of so-called 'new life'.
The exciting feeling of been having a vacation had gone since
last one, I had no feeling about it but I couldn't fall
into sleep the night before it, kept thinking things about what
I am 'suffering' in the real life.

I still remembered the first few days when I just started the
military life. The very first day when I was taken into the
cantonment, I had to take all my things off from myself, I mean,
cell phone, books, everything that I was counting on for my life
and my pleasure, starting wearing those uniform suits, doing the
same things that others were doing, it was just like waking up
from a sweet dream and feeling so painful to wake up but
still had to do so; finally I realized, my fate, the time of life,
had waked me up for facing what I had to face already.

The vacation was started at 0730am in the morning. Just like the usual,
I was first taking a cab to the bus station, and then taking the bus back
to my home town at Taichung, back home. My room was still mass up just like
the very first day of my moving back from Taipei. Don't know why, just had
no mood of arranging them, rather felt better to let them be massed up!
I guess I am still afraid of facing up what I had done and what I had
of my life until now, and that's all I was thinking in the past 26 days
in the cantonment. The more days I stayed in the cantonment, the more
confusion I had in my mind...

It's all happened so fast, I guess I did't even know how to face those
things. For the old days I was living in the virtual world, virtual kingdom,
looking into the real world, and suddenly, I backed to so-called real life,
and lost my kingdom, or what I thought of my kingdom. In the virtual world,
I know all the paths to where I want to go, I know all the places where
I can get my things, where to find my friends out there, and now, I had to
start again to count on the traditonal ways, papers and pens. All this
made me feel so helpless, loneliness of what's surronding me, those things
and people are so unfamiliar to me, it's like I am totally isolated from
my world to another... another planet!

I spent so much time and effort trying to avoid myself of suffering this,
but all in vain. I was so unbalanced about getting into this kind of
stupid place, maybe for others it's a good place, but it just feel
so stupid to me! living this stupid and time-wasting life inside here
doing nonsense things, which was required by law, as an obligation of
men in Republic of China, or so-called Taiwan, learning all this battle
things and skills of killing people in hands and guns, which is the most
hateful things of me, the mailed fist! How can I be glad of living
a life like this!? I don't know, maybe some people are having fun in this
kind of things... I became a silent man in the group. doing all the
required stupid tasks which I had to do, following the orders which
the captain said. My physical body acted in the real world, but I
formed my new virtual world in my mind, without CPUs, without memories,
without hard disks, keyboard and mouse; that's the last place that
nobody can possess in the real world, free will.

Without all the things which I was so depending on, I started counting
things which still left in my mind, unfortunately, not much, for the past time
of the training, I am good in processing things, but I am already be very
lack about keeping things in mind, I mean, those technical living things
and working things, the only things left was my memories of the past life,
my life pieces until now. Backing to the real life, I figured out, I am
totally nothing at all, all the skills I've learned was mostly used in the
virtual world, not many things can be utilized in real world. So in the past
days, I was trying to put back all the pieces of my past life again, trying
to see what I've exactly did in the past. Since I got nothing that's really
make sense to me to do inside here, I got pretty much time of doing this
recalling things, as the first priority project here.

I did so so much thinking. think about the value of my life until now.
most of this group in the cantonment were at age about 20 to 22. it's
kind of diffecult for them to realize and understand what I am thinking about,
I think they are very wise to getting through this kind of life
first and planning their life without the interruption of those 20 months.
and that made me feel that eventually it proved that I made the wrong decesion
of getting into this military life so late which I originally think that
I could just avoid of it, and this shows out that at the very first of all,
I made the wrong hypothesis. Then, if all above saying was right,
I just massed up my life for those years, didn't I?

I did so many things in the past years, got so much experience from my works,
traveled alone to so many places that I wondering to go in my childhood when
I watched movies, searching so many times for the so-called real
love experiences. I did do almost everything that every young man wants to do
in the youth life, I had a great time in my past life, without no pity,
no matter it's good or bad. I did screwed up some working projects, but
what I coundn't take is that I screwed up my major project:
live on my own way! Finally I still have to live in others way... and it sux!

I lived in Taipei on my own for 6 years, counting on myself for living at
the last 2 years, got good pays, good challenging works, got place to stay,
got my own single life out somewhere at Taipei, but now, I got few pays here,
stupid tasks, and without, or been taken of my most important things: time and
freedom, now I have to count on back to the family again, I got no
ability to live my-kind-of-style life in the real world by just being a solder!
and that made me very depress, I had to start the life all over again,
start from zero...

I tried to conclude what I've got from the past life again and again,
in every aspects. my mother was right, I spent all I've got, in return
of all those wonderful memories, but... but in fact, nothing practical in
real life. I mean, nothing practical that can help me in later life in the
future! I am still alone, I am still single, I am still not a responsible
man enough, I am still noting at all, just like my mother always said,
I am still a child, still hiding behind my dreams, still making my sweat dreams
come true, and avoiding those reality to others, still... selfish to myself...
so, my fate took all the things happened to me to tell me that it's about time
to wake up and face the reality that the world is!

when I got home, I was so desperated to fulfill my mind, I got onlined,
I read emails, chated with friends for information out there, walked the
street to feel the feeling of freedom, watched movies that I bought at
last vacation, even on my way back home, on the bus, I read that
Tomb Raider movie story book in the bus, just trying everything
to feed up my hungry mind! it was just like I am backing to the old time
again when I was onlined. and then I realized that maybe I really got
some kind of phychological problems of my mind, and now I am having
problems of living in the real world again, maybe, I am sick, phychologically,
trying to do anything that can bring me back to the virtual world to avoid
where practically I am really living at, or maybe I am just still in an
unbalanced state of my life trying to find out a new equibration somewhere out there...
I don't know, maybe it's both of them!

2 movies I was watched this time, 'Down to you' staring by Freddie
Prinze Jr. and Rachael Leigh Cook, also 'She's all that' staring by
Freddie Prinze Jr. and Julia Stiles. Both are some kind of love comedy
talking about love in the youth life, one is at high school life,
and the other is in the college life, American style school life.
I remembered I should said it like a million times that, movie is just like
a reflection of the real life, cause those directors got those movie
ideas from the real life, therefore movie became my best shelter for
avoiding the real life. Movie is mimic, movie got stories I want to live
through, movie reflect and introspect my own life, movie and music always
inspires me so much things, about what should I be, where should I go,
or... how beautiful that there still places and life like that in the world...

I think I am really a spiritual man, only things touch my soul interest me...
and for all the things I've been gone through, I started to feel so thankful
to my parents, who dedicate to me a wonderful family with all their full care.
Going through this military life should count as a big failure to me,
and from now on, I have no other excuses anymore, I think I have to start
to find out ways to really count on myself on everything in those 20 months.
I wish that I can soon find the real me and start doing something that's
really practical for my later life, and that becomes the first priority of
the military life already...

Movie reflects people's life...
I just used 25 years for a stupid movie...
I got so much wonderful memories... but I got nothing in real...
I used to think that it's so worth to getting those memories...
but now, I started to doubt it a little bit.
I did fulfill almost all my youth dreams in the past,
but actually I got no prepare for my later life indeed I guess...
that's the conclusion of my life until now...
and that's pretty pathetic actually...
if you start to look at it in a real way...

when it started getting real, nothing is prefect anymore...
and that's so-called 'life', isn't it?

Rex@TW.Military
Posted: 2001/9/30 13:05 by rextangtw
Filed under:
新兵訓練...
小湯生活曆.日期:2001/09/23

在斗換平待了三個星期...
前兩個星期都是會客跟懇親...
家裡都有來...
這是第三個星期第一次放假...
大家好像都很興奮... 可是我覺得還好...

今天點放一天...
前天選兵... 實在有股衝動想到空特去... 可是一念之差跑到通訊學校那邊去...
結果都是電子相關的... 沒選上...
下午有選到飛指部... 不過... 1/2 籤... 如果沒抽到就是抽大鍋籤了...
10/11抽籤... 10/5 ~ 10/10 放節訓假...
下個星期中秋節好像可以放三天的樣子... 還不確定...

我台中家裡要牽 ADSL 了... 512k/64k + 8 個 IP...
還送一條電話線...
我會把我的 mail server 跟 web server 放到台中的家裡...
節訓假的時候把自己的網路整理好... 那不管在哪裡當兵... 在網路上總是還有個家..

後來想想... 實在應該去空特的... 又有大學同學可以罩... 又可以跳傘...
聽說以後出來一個可以挑三個... 既然要把時間花在這裡面了...
應該去練練身體才是... 然後... 不用抽籤直接上... 又確定不會外島..
伙食比較好... 還有加給.... 唉... 一念之差啊!!!

我是 1881 T ... 目前在斗煥坪新訓...
節訓假時再上台北找大家囉...
唉... 當兵真的很浪費時間... 不過這三個星期下來... 我已經慢慢習慣了...
每天晚上在山裡看著滿天的星空跟月亮... 想著我後面的人生...

認命吧... 走到這個地步... 後面一切靠運氣了... :)
希望美國跟中東的戰爭不會波及到亞洲來!!!
想起來我一個半月前才在那棟雙子星大廈頂樓的 Disco Pub 看著紐約曼哈頓的夜景...
現在... 想看也沒機會了... 唉... 世事難料啊....

Rex@TW.Military
Posted: 2001/9/23 16:09 by rextangtw
Filed under:
久違了的台中...
小湯生活曆.日期:2001/09/02

昨天下午... 到台北之音錄音...
跟 Laura 聊了兩個多小時...
關於我在美國的旅行...
外面的雨下的很大...
可是錄音室裡面... 很熱鬧...
好久沒進錄音室了...
還真的有點生疏...

晚上... 台北下著大雨...
我將最後的一些東西收拾好...
帶著最後的大包小包...
在半夜的 12 點... 搭車回台中...
弟弟當兵放假回來了...
所以就跟他看看 VCD... 聊聊當兵的事...

今天睡到中午才起床...
下午去看看奶奶...
然後跟家裡一起吃個飯...
晚上跟弟弟到台中市逛逛...
好像... 已經有六年多...
沒有到台中市中心逛逛了...

先到第一廣場的電子街附近晃晃...
跟以前差好多喔... 變的比較整齊了...
第一廣場也變的很多... 但熱鬧依舊...
以前天天坐的仁友客運總站好像變成飛狗巴士的站了...

在第一廣場晃了一下後...
就跑到以前晃了三年的台中一中附近看看...
呴... 變的更多... 以前新學友旁邊的那條小巷子...
現在好像變成了一條夜市一樣... 兩邊都是滿滿的攤販...
真是不可同日而語...

倒是那家新學友書店... 所有的擺設幾乎都沒變...
跟我以前還在讀高中時一樣...
一樓賣雜誌... 二樓中間賣光碟...
三樓賣書跟文具用品...
走在這家新學友裡... 感覺好像又回到了從前...
在這裡... 也曾經... 發生過許許多多關於我的故事...
呵呵... 真的是很懷念...

最後... 我們跑到逢甲大學那邊去...
那個地方也是我高中時期混了三年的地方...
在這個地方發生過的故事更多了...
因為我國中三年級是讀西苑國中的... 就在這附近...
所以... 我的小時候... 幾乎都在這裡過的...

在到逢甲大學的西屯路上...
經過了台中學苑...
一段延續了四年的故事... 就是以這個地方為場景...
烙印在我的記憶裡...

記得今年的端午節... 我從台北坐車回台中...
一大早在文心路下車後... 我自己走回家...
走到文心路跟西屯路的交叉口的時候...
本來應該往回家的方向走...
但我像忽然想到什麼似的...
開始往台中學苑的方向走去...
西屯路上的 22 號仁友公車來回的穿梭著...
不斷的勾起著我高中時的回憶...
走到了台中學苑... 開始往她家走去...
心跳也開始加速了起來...
四年多了... 她家是不是還在那裡...
那個... 我曾經熟悉的不能在熟悉了的家...
越靠近她的家門口... 我就越緊張...
早上七點多... 應該還沒什麼人起床吧...
終於... 我走到了她家門口...
靜靜的... 沒什麼聲音...
隔壁的老爺爺跟老奶奶... 正要出去散步...
用著奇怪的眼神看著一個跟周圍環境十分不搭嘎的長髮男生...
本來下定了決心... 如果她家裡有人醒了...
我就要跟她家裡的人打個招呼...
可是並沒有人醒著... 門也還關著...
只看到了窗口有幾封電話帳單...
帳單上的名字還是她們家人的名字...
是的... 四年過去了... 她們還住在這裡...
本想留個紙條... 寫個什麼東西的放在那裡...
但是... 我還是... 靜靜的走出她家的巷子口...
靜靜的... 走回家裡...

今天晚上... 隨便找了一家理髮店...
把留了一年多的長髮剪了...
看著鏡子前的自己... 從長髮變成阿兵哥三分頭...
好心疼... 看著滿地的我的頭髮...
戴上了我的 Nike 帽子... 告訴我自己... 面對現實吧....
至少... 有一段時間... 不用再用力的護髮了...

在台中逛的時候... 當兵中的小學同學突然打電話給我...
說他放假跟其他小學同學在台北聚會...
我告訴他明天我上台北我們開個小學同學會...
快 10 幾年沒看到這些同學囉... :)

當兵的感覺的確是滿奇怪的...
不斷的回想著以前的事情...
想歸納出一些什麼的...
問問自己... 是不是還忘了什麼還沒去做...
或是... 活到了這個時間點... 一切的一切...
是不是還算值得...

今天晚上要把所有有關電腦的事情都處理交代好...
明天上台北就不帶 notebook 了...
星期二一大早開始... 我會在網路上消失一個月...
大家保重... 我會再回來的... :)

Posted: 2001/9/2 23:24 by rextangtw
Filed under:
上廣播節目...
小湯生活曆.日期: 2001/09/01

記得還在美國的時候...
台北之音的 DJ Laura Chao 開了一個旅遊的廣播節目...
因為她也是個很喜歡旅遊的人...
之前幾次的聚會... 除了聊音樂的東西外..
大部分的時間就是聊旅行的事情...

今年對我來說... 可以說是非常豐富的一年...
一月份第一次到美國...
然後七月份又到美國遊學了兩個月...
這對於一向憧憬美國生活的我...
不啻是非常豐富的體驗...
就要去當兵了...
對於自己當兵前的這 25 年...
想想... 似乎也沒什麼遺憾了...

這次剛從美國回來後不久...
就收到了 Laura 的來信...
希望我能夠上她的廣播節目... 談談這次美國的旅行..
對於一個從 ICRT All Night Express 時代...
就是 Laura 的忠實聽眾的我...
並且因為這樣而想要進入 DJ 的世界, 所以開始玩網路廣播的我來說..
這個邀請對我來說... 可以說是一種夢想的實現...

等一下就要到電台去了...
我想... 這會是個很愉快的下午... :)




Laura 的網站在這裡

『 蹺 班 D J 』 : 流行音樂廣播節目
台北之音音樂聯播網HiT-FM Radio Station
台北FM91.7 台中FM91.5 台南FM90.3 高雄FM90.1 花蓮FM107.7 網路收聽
星期一 ~ 五 下午 2:00PM ~ 5:00
主持人 : 趙偉娟Laura Chao
連繫方式:歡迎多多來信與趙偉娟Laura Chao 討論音樂、電影、旅遊與美食~~^O^
信  件: 台北市杭州南路一段 15之1 號 10 樓
F A X : (02) 2393 ~ 8550

『Laura遊玩全世界』: 旅遊廣播節目
台北之音都會台Voice Of Taipei Radio Station
台北FM107.7 網路收聽
星期六&星期日 下午 1:00PM ~ 3:00
導遊 : 趙偉娟Laura Chao
如果你熱愛旅遊,剛剛旅遊回來,或者認識這樣自助旅遊同好的人,
歡迎和Laura連絡! 希望認識這樣的同好,We are more than happy to know you! :)^O^
信  件: 台北市杭州南路一段 15之1 號 10 樓
FAX : (02) 2393 ~ 8550
Posted: 2001/9/1 12:22 by rextangtw
Filed under: